Spongebob Lies About Epilepsy
by SteelMann
Summary: Spongebob lies in order to make money and nautical nonsense ensues.
1. Chapter 1

Spongebob Lies

Spongebob lay on his sofa and worried about his taxes, which were coming due in three days. He had $18 in his bank account but owed $72 000, so it seemed like he was doomed. Yet, Spongebob thought of a brilliant idea that could solve any problem; even one as serious as a $72 000 tax bill.

Spongebob called Sandy and Patrick and told them to go to his house. They slipped through the Pineapple's doors and discovered a weird smell coming from the library. The library was messier than usual, with books thrown all over the place and pages from them lying about. Amidst the mess, there was Spongebob, who was crouching in the centre of the room and rocking back and forth violently.

"Spongebob?" Sandy asked. "Are you okay?"

"Help, Sandy!" Spongebob screamed. "I'm havi-i-ing a seizure."

Sandy ran towards Spongebob and lay on him, restraining his hands and legs. Spongebob thrashed his arms around but was easily subdued by the rabid squirrel. "Take a few deep breaths," Sandy said as she continued to struggle with her friend.

"AAAAAAHHHHHH!" Spongebob yelled out of nowhere. His movements became much more violent, or at least they would've been, if Sandy wasn't there.

Meanwhile, Patrick was standing around and taking up space.

"Patrick," Sandy said. "I need you to call an ambulance right now."

However, Patrick had other ideas. "I'm a trained doctor," he said. "Let me look at the patient." He suddenly grew three feet and became 12x stronger than Sandy. Patrick walked towards Sandy, the ground shaking after every one of his steps. "RAAAAAAHHH!" Patrick yelled before he kicked Sandy off of his patient.

Patrick sat on Spongebob's chest in a blow that normally would've crushed his lungs. But, he was a sponge, so that didn't matter. Patrick put his lips against Spongebob's and began passionately kissing him. This continued for 53 seconds.

After those incredibly long seconds were over, Spongebob yelled "I'm cured!" at the top of his lungs.

Patrick got off of Spongebob and his body instantaneously contracted, making Patrick a fat and short starfish again. "See, Sandy?" He proudly said. "I know how to save a patient. I've done this with Squidward 38 times, and it's no big deal."

"No," Spongebob said. "I have a problem, and I've had it for a long time. I'm, epileptic. I've been this way ever since I injured my hip while I was skateboarding with Sandy. I have at least one seizure a day because of it."

"Spongebob, that makes absolutely no sense," Sandy said. "I remember that we didn't even have to take you to the hospital after that."

"Nonsense!" Patrick barked. "The leg bone is connected to the backbone, and the hip bone is connected to the backbone, and the head bone is connected to the backbone, too. It's all circular. If you were a doctor, you'd know that."

"Patrick," Sandy groaned, "you aren't a doctor. So, stop pretending like you are one and snap back to reality so we can get Spongebob checked out. I don't think he injured his head but it couldn't hurt to get it looked at."

"You're too kind, Sandy. Too kind. Say, while you're here, could you give me $90 000?

Sandy's eyes widened. "Why would I do that?" She shot back up and moved herself into a protective Karate position.

"Sandy," Spongebob said as a tear rolled down his face. "You hurt me very badly, and I suffered so much because of you, that I'm desperate for money. If you won't give it to me, I'll have to sue you."

"Ain't nobody's threatened me with a lawsuit and lived, SquarePants!" Sandy said as she kicked into the air.

TO BE CONTINUED!


	2. Spongebob Lies: Chapter 2

Spongebob Lies About Epilepsy: Chapter Two

Spongebob pretended to be sick, so when he saw the challenge from Sandy he stumbled as he stood. He limped towards her.

Sandy moved her hands into a blocking position, obscuring Spongebob's well-shaped square face.

"Sandy," Spongebob said as he tried to fall into her arms, which failed for obvious reasons. "I need your money. I'm," he sniffed, "DYING!"

"Spongebob Lawsuitpants, don't come near me again or you'll get a Feral Boot right to the face. And I mean it!"

"Oh, Sandy," Spongebob cried as he shed a veritable waterfall of tears. "I don't wanna sue," he said as he flailed on the floor. Please, just give me the money so I can live. This is no way to live! I'm going nowhere.

"My hip!" Spongebob remembered that his hip was supposed to be damaged. "AAH!" He screamed as he fell to the side of the room. He fell right on the sand floor and a few specks got caught in his eyes.

"Spongebob!" Patrick yelled as he scrambled towards his friends.

Sandy saw Patrick coming and gave him a wicked backhand slap that left a huge red mark all over his body. "How do you like tanning now, Patrick?"

Patrick's stomach crumbled under the force of the attack. He fell to the floor and began coughing up blood.

"I ain't no suer! I ain't no felon! But if you screw with me, I'll slap ya, Spongebob!"

"AAAH!" Spongebob yelled as he dove into the fetal position, rocking back and forth on the ground in an attempt to look like an innocent baby.

"You can't fool me, Jerkpants!" Sandy said as she widened her mouth, revealing mangled, yellow teeth that were used for grinding lesser squirrels and other rodents.

"No, Sandy!" Spongebob said as his crying became more intense. He cried with such force that he shot out from under Sandy and hit her on the chin, landing on his red couch and knocking over the life raft.

"That's it, Liarpants!" Sandy said as she checked to see if her bowl was cracked. "I'm going to destroy you. She kicked Patrick to the side of the room, right next to the metal door leading to the pineapple house. Patrick's skull was partially cracked and he slipped into a coma. "Good," Sandy said.

Spongebob raised his hands, as if he was surrendering, but Sandy kept walking towards him, with her expression getting meaner every step of the way.

"MERCY!" Spongebob yelled when Sandy reached the couch, with her shadow towering over him.

"Yer games ain't working on me, you Spongey jerkface. Prepare for a real butt-whooping!" Sandy punched Spongebob in the mouth and stuck her hand down his throat until she reached his stomach. She then pulled his stomach out, followed by his spongey intestines, which were a weird, pale green colour. Sandy disemboweled Spongebob!

She disemboweled him so effectively that he ceased to live. Spongebob died on October 7th, 2017, alongside his weakened friend Patrick and his murder. The price for lying to Sandy, Spongebob discovered, was instant death.

"Good riddance; there ain't no lawsuits where you are now, Spongejerk!" She said as she stomped on Patrick's throat and left the house.

THE END


End file.
